Off to Grandma's

The boys are off to Grandma's to help celebrate Grandma Nancy's
birthday today and it is the beginning of my time away from them. A
friend of mine who adopted from China a few months ago told me that
she had a mantra that she kept saying, something like, "two weeks is
not a long time in the scheme of things." She's right and it helps
(thanks, Carol). That said, its still hard. When I picked them up
at school today, they all told me that they were worried about
me......I told them that I'm going to do everything I can to be just
fine, to get Silin, and to get back home.

In 13 hours, I'll be headed to the airport......I guess its time to
buckle up and enjoy the ride!

Thank you

My very adept IT guy (Ok, my husband) says I can now post photos from the netbook to the blog.  Thank you, sweetie.....

What a difference a day makes

Eight hours of sleep -- I'm not sure when that last happened. What I am sure of is the difference it makes. This morning I am up and feel ready, determined, even excited. There are still many things to check off before we're out of here -- pack the kids, their Halloween gear, toys, and food for Grandma's, finish up some legal documents, take Emet for his follow-up at the eye surgeon, get an oil change.....but these are the last remaining items......the initially very long to-do list is mostly done and that feels great.

Does Silin have any idea about what is to happen? We did send photos and I was told she was shown them and that "she loves her brothers." But, how can a two year old understand? She can't and that is why we will be just have to be patient. For some kids the transition is easier than for others. We'll just have to see......

The rest of the house is still asleep (I love when that happens).....I think I'll go enjoy some coffee and temporary quiet......

Growing Pains

When its 5:30 a.m. and I'm exausted I know that this is just going to have to be a get-through kind of day. Do what I need to do. Take naps when possible. "Hang on, breathe deeply, be kind to yourself"....that's what I would tell a friend.

This is about the trip. Because as much as I look forward to meeting our daughter and holding her in my arms, what I look forward to more (even though I expect it to be potentially quite challenging) is to getting back home to the boys, to our life, to a routine (of course, given our addition, it will be a new routine and a newish life).

Everything is about to change and that propect usually leaves me in something other than a calm relaxed state.....despite the fact that that state is what I most need at the moment.

We are leaving the boys and that is the elephant in the room. Fifteen days is a long time and though I know they are in good hands, it is simply the hardest thing. Never without them for more than 2 days I worry how they'll do. I worry how I'll do.

Its's OK, I tell myself. Try to be present in this experience. And I am trying (though I'm not sure how sucessfully).

"They don't call it labor for nothing," I was told about birth. Well, this feels like a labor of sorts.....the reward at the end is great and for that I am incredibly grateful but that doesn't mean that its not a lot of hard work and that its not painful at times......

Please dear One, get me to China, and please bring me back home safely. Please let the boys be OK and let Silin have an easy adjustment. That is my morning prayer today.

Sometimes the hardest thing is exactly what is needed for growth of the soul.....I hope that is what is happening here.....

All Together At School for M's Birthday

Here are the three boys....E and Z got to go upstairs to celebrate
M's 4th birthday with him. Two birthday parties down....one for
Daddy tomorrow! In just over a week we should be holding Silin! The
countdown has begun.......5 days to China......

Guess Not

oh please work

New netbook, still haven't been able to email blog photos from it yet....this time?  please.....

Ladybug Bonanza!

I went to pick up the kids at school a couple of days ago and the
ladybugs were everywhere. If you are in the China adoption world,
you know what that means......for everyone else, I'll just explain
that its a sign of good adoption luck (seeing that we are leaving so
soon, ladybug good luck is a good thing!)

Birthday Walk

Four times around the sun for M today!

This is really happening

For a long time it seemed unsure -- would this really ever happen? Would we find our child? Would China grant us approval? Would we get approval to travel? And now, it seems a bit surreal......we have tickets and we are going to travel....I even have partially packed bags to show for it. We are going to meet Silin....we are going to have a daughter..... This is all happening and I am trying to sit back and take it all in (while running around like a crazy person trying to get everything that needs to get done done b/f we leave). For her, I want to chronicle this....it is her story and it is our family's story as well......this is really happening.....what once seemed so amorphous is manifesting itself before my eyes.......My goal: stay present and watch this experience unfold......

Apple Picking Time

Its hard not to love New England in the fall (thing is, you can't think too much about what's to come....snow, snow, and more snow.....well, that is, unless you love to ski like my kids who wish winter would go on forever.....my confession.....not this FL girl)

M shocks them!

Today when I picked up M at school, his teacher brought him out to
the car and asked him to tell me what he did at school today. He tried
to think of it and then the teacher helped him.....M did the hundreds
board all by himself. The hundreds board is a Montessori
manipulative where the kids lay out tiles from 1-100 in order. M
remembered and was obviously proud. The teacher looked at me and
said (in jest, I hope), "I don't know how I'm going to find work for him for the next 3
years." When we were driving away I asked him if his teachers were
surprised.....he answered me, "no, they were shocked!" (Ha! I didn't
know he knew that word!) Well, there we go, M shocks em' (probably
won't be the last time and hopefully it will always be in a good way.......)

Peace is....

The boys came home with statements they wrote about what peace is to them.....

Z's

Peace means going to bed at night and going home after school and after going on a really hard trail and reading a book and playing games.

E's

Peace is kindn(es)s to me.  Peace is fr(i)endship to me.  Peace is to hlep people in need...to be smart and to tell people whet they do not (k)no(w).  

Ok , I'll try--

Peace is a world in which every person has enough and where the meaning of enough preserves the world for the multitudes who come after.  Peace is about living consciously and being grateful for that which is easy to take for granted.  Peace means love and friendship and the end of suffering.  Peace means having something to live for, to work for...it means seeing beyond our own needs and helping others reach their dreams.  Peace means knowing that though we are not perfect, we are enough, and that we can make a difference during our lives if we take the opportunity to do so........

M Butterfly

I noticed yesterday the transformation that M has undergone since the
start of school. There is virtually no toddler left in him and not
even a hint of baby -- he's a full fledged kid. I can't help but
wonder the role that I played in his transformation. Have I been
treating him like a little kid because he is the youngest (even
though at this age, I probably expected plenty from Z) and did I
finally start to treat him like a big kid now that Silin is on her
way home? Yes, probably so.

When Silin comes home, I guess we'll just have to see what happens.....either M will realize that he is no longer the youngest and he will embrace his big brother role or alternatively he might feel displaced and regress.....it's impossible to know right now.....

Transformation is never easy and rarely quick. Although there is a single moment that the
butterfly is finally free from his chrysalis, the process of metamorphosis happens over time and so, time is what we'll give it......well, that, plus a lot of love........

Brotherly Love

My thirteen year old mother's helper was here last night. She is a musician, a good student, and she is fantastic with the kids. We met her at the library when she couldn't stop smiling at the boys who as usual were running up and down the sidewalk outside the library after having to have been quiet and tame inside the library.

I asked her if she thought her mother would let her babysit sometime. We were sitting down for dinner and I explained that Yami and I would like to go out on a weekend afternoon to have some time together (Tuesday night date nights are probably off for at least six months after we get back from China b/c I won't leave Silin with a babysitter). I suggested that she could stay with the boys and let her know that Silin would come with us. Z looked up from his dinner plate and said, "what, you're going to take Silin with you?" and I thought I knew what would come next, something like, "don't take her, take me" or "that's not fair" but instead what Z said was, "don't take Silin, I want to play with her."

He wants to play with her. He means this. He loves little kids and he is a great big brother to Em and M. In fact, the first thing he said to me when he came to visit in the hospital after M was born was, "thank you for making him."

Thank you God for the children you've blessed me with and for the opportunity to make a difference in their lives. I am grateful beyond words. And thank you Z for your comment yesterday.....you give new meaning to "brotherly love"....