Feeling grateful

I love this photo of Silin. I am a very lucky Mama to be loved by
her! She's my sweet and feisty little girl....

But, of course.....

Today, after my sister read my last post, she called me. She told me that my father had seen my grandmother (my mother's mother) in the week or two before his death. In fact, what she actually said is that my father called my mother, "Minnie (my grandmother's name)" and told her that she had such a kind face.....my mother then had to say "Bernie, Bernie, its Helen" for my father to come out of his altered state of perception.

I don't know much more than that about what happened but I will tell you that I forgot to mention that in the NPR interview of the researchers, they specifically mentioned that the dying person usually sees a dead relative that is often a parent but sometimes is an in-law. My grandmother was a very special woman (and I know most people think that about their grandmothers) but from all accounts she was a truly special, generous, kind, woman....the stories go that she used to leave sandwiches and clothes for the mailman and helped clothe many others without anyone else knowing (my grandfather was in the clothing business). I'll have to ask my mother the specifics again about these stories.....

What I will also say is that when my grandmother died I had just turned six and that I was truly devastated. I remember my mother and Aunt Renee coming into the kitchen to tell us and I remember that I sort of collapsed onto the 70's gold refrigerator and sobbed. I don't remember very much after that but I very clearly remember that I would see her in my dreams. She was either with my grandfather in my idea of heaven and they would both be looking down at me smiling surrounded by stars or else she was alone and waiting for me at the bus stop with a navy dress and a broach. I remember she would massage my fingers to help them grow nice and long for the piano. I also remember that she had the most wonderful upper arms to play with....they were warm and flabby in the best sense....they jiggled and provided me with lots of fun and Mimi never really seemed to mind. The last thing that comes to mind is that I went to visit her in the hospital after she had had a stroke. She was eating a piece of chicken and she dropped it and said something to me like, "your silly grandmother can't hold a piece of chicken." She put me at ease in the stark cold hospital with its unsettling odors and like she did with so many others, she showed me unselfish kindness. For that and for the memories of it, tonight I am grateful.

As for my father, I don't know what really happened when he "saw" my mother as my grandmother. I do know that my mother, like her mother has a beautiful, kind nature (some people affectionately call her St. Helen). But, it doesn't really matter what happened then. What is a pleasant surprise is that my father had an end-of-life experience of some sort and that I now know about it....some how I find that comforting....

And by the way, I tried without any success to find this npr interview so I could post a link here but I simply can't find it. I'll try again.....I do know what time I was listening, I'm just not sure which npr station I was listening to......

Remembering my father

Yesterday was my father's yartzeit....that means it was the anniversary on the Hebrew calendar of the day he died last year. He was very much on my mind yesterday and a couple of rather coincidences happened yesterday that definitely make me pause and wonder.......I was out in the evening to run some errands and as I came out of A Market, I noticed a bumper sticker which said, "we are all one." This statement is obvious to me and yet I really know that if we all internalized it, we would treat each other very differently. I'll quote Krisnamurti here who said something like, "you don't take a hammer and hit your own thumb," ......we do not treat others as though they were part of us and yes, we use the metaphoric hammer often (just look at the state of our world).

That said, when I saw the quote I remembered a dream I had right after my father died. It was my father and he came to me and he told me he was OK and that, "he was with the All One." I had certainly never heard the expression the "All One" before and I certainly never used it myself but that is what my father told me in the dream and that bumper sticker made me remember that.

Then, immediately after I drove away, I turned on NPR and they had on a researcher who did research in hospices in England about people who had these "end-of-life experiences." He said about 1/4 of people had them and these experiences were that a dead relative came to the person who was dying and told them that they would be back for them. I was surprised to hear this because I had never heard of such a thing. The researcher said that it couldn't be attributed to drug hallucinations because drug hallucinations were very different in quality and rather than people finding them comforting, people found them unsettling. Most of the time the family members were dead parents and sometimes the dying person did not know that the person who was coming to them had died (family members had shielded the very sick person from news of the death). He also spoke about close family members who just knew when a loved one had died -- if they were asleep, people often dreamed about the person at the time of death. I do have a very close friend who dreamed about her grandfather the night he died. And for me, at the time of my father's death, my brother was about to get married and oh, I did feel him at the wedding.....he was part of the wind and the sky....and somehow it was very comforting that though he couldn't get there stuck in that sick body, he was able to make it nonetheless......

I'm sure now that I've written this that some readers might think I'm totally out there. That's OK. I'm remembering my father. I miss him so much and yet, in some ways he is closer than he's ever been. I loved him all his life, I love him now, and I'll love him forever.....

Disney Lessons Learned

So, I have to admit, I pride myself on knowing a lot about Disney magic, park strategies, tips to avoid long lines, etc.  That said, I learned a new Disney crede which I shall state as follows, "just because thy school district has school, does not the rest of the country follow suit."  Another way to put this is, "ha, ha, we ended up in Disney when many U.S. schools and colleges had spring break and though we had fun, the crowds (not surprisingly) were not conducive to a relaxing Disney experience."  It was truly wonderful to meet up with my mom, brother (who can do a fantastic Donald Duck impression), and his fun, wonderful wife.  That said, I learned a big lesson and will never come back at a busy time again......Never! 

Big Thunder--

Joanne-- if you see this I just want you to know I'm thinking of you//
hope that TA comes soon-- seems like you've been waiting so long.......

Cool treat for Daddy too

The blessings of a hot day at Disney

Exaustion by Disney :)

Even as we sit by a loud parade....

Oh yeah....ballon success

Balloon time

With Leo

Off to Disney

Hey, I totally forgot that I can blog from my iPhone. This is a good
thing. Here we go to the airport-- going to introduce Silin to our
favorite mice :) By the way, Minnie is quite well traveled-- I sent
her to China before we got Silin in a care package. Also, today marks
exactly 4 months home with our girl......